Every
weekend, after a busy week of being in school and finishing off the last odds
and ends of my degree, I reenter the world of the tiger moms. As an English
teacher, I have weekly contact with them, and I dread it, like taking a plunge
into an ice-cold pool. It is not because I am afraid of their views on me, but
rather that they want to know what my perspective is on their child’s progress. Hmm, what can I say that will appease
the somewhat terrifying tiger mom but allow me to come away without the sense
of guilt that accompanies lying. “Oh, he’s getting there” (he couldn’t say
anything at all last week), or “Well, he’s behaving a lot better this week” (he pulled down his pants and peed on the floor
last week (this actually happened!!)), and quite often “She’s opening up so much more now” (she’s actually just moody and has started saying nasty things
about me). A little distortion of the truth goes a long way in appeasing the
tiger moms’ voracious appetite for success which they
pilfer off the backs of their over-worked, under-played children.
A child
is a big investment in any society; in the UK it is at least 18 years of hard
work and patience for parents, raising their children until they are ready to
fly the nest. Generally, after 18 years, parents usually are ready to offload
their offspring, sending them out into the world on their own. Following
graduation, and sometimes prior to, young adults are expected to earn their own
money to pay their way. I have been no exception, where I have the need to be
even more self-reliant than my British counterparts, being on my own in a
foreign country. I have discovered that in China, the situation is quite
different. To generalize, a child in China is probably at least a 25-year
investment for their parents. This investment is compounded by two factors:
firstly, the need to give ones child a competitive edge in a country of over
1.3 billion people; secondly, the one child policy currently in force across
China leading to huge pressure to raise the ‘perfect’ child.
This process and investment can lead to parents to take a very close-handed
approach to their child’s
upbringing, in some extreme cases parents will even follow their children to
university to ensure that their living needs are met whilst they concentrate on
their studies.
This
pressure from tiger parent on their offspring takes its toll on these poor
cubs. Often I have walked into a classroom full of children screaming their
heads off in ecstasy at the opportunity of being able to ‘have fun’ for but a few minutes in their very full days. I like to
ensure that my classes are as fun as they are educational. This is probably not
enough to make certain that they will grow up to be well-rounded adults, but I
hope they at least get a break from the tedium of their stressful lives. There
children who thrive off this pressure, but I cannot imagine that they will be
great socialites. Parental mollycoddling may produce academic genii, but I
believe that it comes at great social, emotional and practical cost to
children. It is of great concern to me that there are adult males and females
out there of my age who cannot or may not be willing to wash their clothes, and
of course, this does not just include China.
So, what
are the returns on parental investments in their children? Well, usually, for
an 18-year investment, as is common in the UK, it guarantees parents their
children’s love and when needed, support both emotionally
and financially. It also usually allows their children to live their own lives,
without much interference or intervention from parents. In China, where the
25-year plus investment package is usually the chosen option amongst those who
can afford it, returns are usually higher, with male children expected to
assume the role of caregiver and parent, supporting a top-heavy family
hierarchy on a salary that might only be enough to support a comfortable
lifestyle for themselves; female children are expected to find themselves good
husbands and to be good wives, this while perhaps working a full-time job
themselves. Parents in the UK are not without hopes of having grandchildren,
and expect that their children will be responsible to them after leaving home,
but perhaps there is more room for deviation, which is reflected in social
attitudes to different lifestyles, sexuality and some children choosing not to
have children themselves, whereas in China, grandchildren are included in the
dividends from their investment. In China, the traditions of previous
generations spanning thousands of years cannot be wiped from memory in a single
generation, but perhaps it is time for a reality check; current social trends
indicate that this way of life in a modern China under the one-child policy is
unsustainable.
I am
sure that tiger moms, tiger parents wish nothing but for their children to be
successful and happy, but it is about time that an objective approach is taken
to children’s futures. What is truly best for ones child?
What can one manage for oneself without creating extra pressure for ones child?
Is it fair to expect ones child to be a source of income and care in return for
fulfilling ones duties as a parent? I talk from the position of one who has yet
to experience the joys and hardships of parenthood, and my commentary above is
a generalization of many complex and varied familial and social situations, but
boy, I do worry very much about the cubs that run around in my classroom every
weekend. Can they take the heat?
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